Blue is the mind and terrible is the weather :/

I'm in LA today and it is pouring, pretty much ruined my plans. I wanted to walk around the UCLA campus but that isn't going to work out with the thunder storms rolling in and lighting.  Top it all off, I am feeling "thicker" even though I have been working out and trying to put constraints on what I eat.  Binging can really fuck up a person.  Not eating fucks you up...period.  I'm make myself slowly go insane. If I don't lose the weight that I want to lose, I will go crazy.

I unfortunately have a slip-up and binged/purged again. Ever get a feeling after you purge like there is gas in your stomach?  I also know that I did not get all the shit out of my body.  The laxative tea doesn't seem to be working anymore too.  I have become even more aware of my body and hate every single part that is in excess.

Just because...

I have been going to the gym everyday for the past week, trying to start eating normally and not binge/purge.  But yesterday I slipped up and purged. But today, so far has been good, no purging yet and the day is almost done.  I have been studying for my chemistry final that is on Monday.  I also have a Japanese skit (final part III) on Monday too so that is shit.  After my workout this evening I weighted myself on the scale there and it said 143....fml  I am hoping that since it was at night and not in the morning, my weight is slightly lower than that.  I think I am going to wake up early tomorrow morning and go to the gym again, just to check my weight and measure my height too.  

Lately, I have been listening to Jane's Addiction (only because I like the show Married to Rock) and Etty Farrell is amazing. She has had two kids and looks great. I want to look like her when I am in my 30s...I want to look like her now.

I'm a liar...sorry

Sipping a steaming hot cup of vanilla chai and laxative teas, while staring at a small pile of orange peels and my stomach rumbling because I purged.  My throat is dry..sore...and I can't seem to understand why I can't stop myself.  The uncontrollable urge..burying me.  I feel as if I am about to go insane. Finals are coming up too and if I don't do well in them, well lets just hope that doesn't happen. I feel the need to eat in the evening. The worst possible time to eat anything at all. All I want to do now is cause pain...

I think she is the most beautiful person I have seen. I want to look exactly like her.

感謝祭....Thanksgiving

I feel that even though I ate than purged, not all of it comes out and I still gain weight.  I am five pounds heavier, but that is mostly because I have no been exercising and it has been really hard to purge.  I normally take a three day break if it is taking too much energy to purge.  So no purging for the next couple of days. But I really need to exercise so I have get that gym membership.  It got really cold recently so that is why I haven't been running like I normally do.  I could do a tons of crunches, lunges, and push-up but I don't like the feeling I get after (like I want to vomit but nothing comes out...)  I am so big right now. I think this week I am going to try and live off only coffee, unless I get that membership and make it to the gym everyday.  Finals are coming up too so I really need to study extra hard in my chemistry and economics classes.

Concentrate

It sucks you know...not being able to control yourself. Thinking about food when what you really want to be thinking about is more important things, like school work.  But this thing won't let you, you're body forcing you to drift back to food so you become like me. Sitting in the library with my school laid out across the table and the only thing I can think about is food, or how my stomach is bulging or the almonds and cereal I ate this morning was about 200kcal total and that if I eat a pizza from the cafeteria it adds 250kcal etc....  What a sad person, pitiful.  To make it clear, I DON'T WANT THIS. The cycle of binge purge binge purge is not fun, its down right hell. If I could wake up tomorrow and eat without thinking about purging it out the very next second I would be so happy. But it doesn't work that way, as long as it took to get me to the place I am at now, it will take just as much to get out...I just hope I can.

Halloween party

I went to a Halloween party on Friday cause my friend from class invited me. It was really great cause there was dancing...I'm a dancing girl and that is pretty much it. But my self confidence is way up cause this super cute boy grabbed me to dance twice. For it was an...aaahhh moment. I don't think that has ever happened to me, but yesterday it did! I only regret not being more aggressive and taking a photo with him, asking for his number...etc Next time next time...I hope there will be a next time though! I'm such a dork..its upsetting.

FML, seriously, FML

If there was ever a day where things weren't quite right it would be today.  The first SF Giants game I watched this week and they LOST to the Phillies.  The mall that I was going to go to this weekend burns down because some idiot hates the world, and the bloating in my belly is proof of a foreshadowing period. Today my cousin asked me about my knuckles (which are worn from keeping me up over the toilet while I puke my guts out) and I lied, telling her it was because I play bloody knuckles with my guy friends at school. Which is complete bullshit.

I have been working my butt off in chemistry class and Japanese this week.  I had my mid-term for Japanese which was two twos long, and was made up of reading, writing, listening, and speaking sections. The speaking was a skit that we had to preform. The professor gave us a week in advance to do everything too. It was crazy. I am anti-Japanese Language class now.  Just the class, not the actual language (I'm Japanese-American.) I really want to become fluent but the course itself is not enjoyable for me. I enjoy Chemistry way more than Japanese! ugh...

drained

I'm so tired today. It is about 8:30pm and I want to sleep so bad! I took a laxative today because my calorie intake was more than...blah blah blah  I also changed the title of this blog because I fuckin' wanted to :]  I am just so fuckin' pissed off at my weight right now. 138lb and before it was 135lb.  I fuckin' eat too much.

I get cravings while I am at school, its like a mind game. "I'm so hungry....I'm so hungry! Eat something! Eat something!" I drive myself nuts! I think the worse part is that I get so damn tired when I don't eat and I can't exercise as much cause I cramp up like crazy. But that is me being an idiot and not drinking enough water and electrolyte enriched liquids. The rest of the week I swear, not fucking eating a single thing. I'm going to run like crazy tomorrow too since I haven't done that this week so far.  It sucks that if you don't exercise everyday or every other day you blow up into a monstrous pig. Well I do anyway...if you don't than damn you! Just kidding.

I finally watched some of Lady Gaga's music videos and I must say I really liked her Bad Romance video, not cause of the song but cause she looked so skinny and actually pretty. 

Oh, and I told my mother I was bulimic. It was strange because she was more interested in how I throw up... It was also like I intrigued her with my psycho obsession with food and calories.  I guess in some twisted way I am happy that she didn't freak out like say I was killing myself or anything but at the same time it just shows me how nonchalant she is about certain things, weight/diet being one of them.... I think its because I come from an Asian family and to be quite honest, dieting is thought of as a good thing, or rather, a women trying to slim down is smiled upon verses a woman who is proud of being fat.  In Japan the BMI for "normal" is between 18-22.9 which is less than the one in America. Which is not surprising.

Conclusion: I feel so shitty and fat right now my goal is to be 90lb by this time next year!

I think I need a new scale

I currently have a scale from..ikea.  I love Ikea but their scales suck. It was working great but than the cleaning lady came anf did something to fuck it up cause it said I was 150lb...I haven't been 150lb in over a year. I double checked my weight on my aunt's scale and it said I was 135lb so, conclusion, I need a new scale.

This week was shit or i felt like shit and purged nearly everyday.  I tried not to eat but that never works for me. I have to have protein, fiber or something.  I try not to go over 500 calories but when I do, I just binge and purge. I can't just eat something and stop because I always think, "since I already ate that shit I might as well eat as much as possible than purge it out because life sucks and at the moment eating food feels better than sex..."  Seriously, I feel a super high when I eat. Its just the feeling after, when I feel full I feel disgusting. And the feeling after I purge everything out is so amazing. I must sound so fucked up right now but this is the only way I know how to feel happy most of the time.

I need to fast, drinks only (plus some peaches). I ate today and purged like crazy but couldn't get it all out so I took a laxative. I know I shouldn't have but today was just one of those days where trying to push it out of your stomach takes too much time, energy, and emotional strength to do.  I feel full right now cause I ate two peaches. FML

Tight bikini bodies, all girls could have one if they so desired

I stared at these pictures for a while because I needed some motivation to get up and do so exercise.

Mouth shut, eyes open

My mouth is what gets me into trouble.

I want to keep my eyes open. To stay alert, focused, and do my absolute best academically.

I realize just how alone I truly am.  What I feel about school, the city I live in, my extended family, expenses, everything must be censored.  I use to be able to talk with my mom and she would help me through anything and everything, but now I see that this is no longer a option.  Reality is that I can't tell her my true feels, concerns, and fears.  The truth...the only people I tell are my grandparents who died 8 years ago.  I speak to the dead because there is no one else to speak to.  Not speak, cry is more like it...I cry out to them or anyone hoping I feel better than before, hoping I don't feel empty. This hollow feeling makes me want to fill it it with something, anything...food.

I'm so stressed right now. I have so much to do but I feel so unmotivated to do anything.  As if there is any point to doing it in the first place.

Today I was born 19 years ago

For the past two years, since I have been in California pretty much, my birthday has been...shit.  Although this year is a big upgrade from last year, it was still pretty sad.  Last year I spend my birthday with a cousin who made me cry so hard I couldn't breathe and this year I had to spend it with the same cousin. Oh joy, the universe has fucked me over again.  Well there was no crying this year, thank the cosmos, but instead my cousin started commenting on how I shouldn't over do it on the exercise and eat healthy.  Then she continued on about not becoming bulimic and blah, blah, blah. I am sure many people have been in my shoes. I can honestly say though that she did seem sincere and worried about me. At the same time though it is scary to think that she could know that I am bulimic. I have never told her but it is also possible that one of my other cousins could know and told her. Either way my family likes to know all about everyone. Anyway, we went to go see the movie "easy A" starring Emma Stone, which was actually pretty funny. But my cousin talked about how eating healthy, not over doing it on the exercise, and not purging.  It kind of reminded me of how people passively try to suggest you doing something because their worried or scared of telling you straight on.  I was kinda annoyed but I figured that she might just be saying it because there is no way that people would thin I have an eating disorder because I'm so fat and chubby.

Happy Birthday me....fuck it.

Birthday fast

My birthday is on the 25th of this month...5 days away. 
This week's goal, Birthday fast.

This will be most difficult since my family is having a party on Tuesday, and they will have tons of food.  Oh please keep me strong!  If I can get through this week and make it to Saturday I will reward myself, birthday shopping.  This is what I am telling myself anyway.

I feel like I am suffering slowing inside though..my throat is sore, my stomach is bulging and my hair is falling out.  It sucks that I know what I am doing to my body is wrong and harmful but i can't stop myself from doing it anyway. I can control how I eat so I try to not eat at all, only to binge and purge later.  My core negative thoughts control my actions regarding my body.  Dear agony, please make me disappear.

EPIC FAILURE!

Ate more than what was planned, and took a laxative. EPIC FAILURE! I also purged...great, this dumb fuck has absolutely no control over anything.  I suppose though that since my mother visited me this past weekend that that had impacted my choices.  When went out to eat a lot and I can't just not eat anything when I am with her.  She is sharp and would notice when I'm not eating.  But I also have reason to believe that she feels bad for me and wants me to feel better about myself.  Today she has her high school reunion and we went to Nordstroms so that she could get her make-up done at Chanel.  She bought me this really beautiful pink-ish lip stick when she was there. I also got a free sample of Chanel Chance perfume.  My mother is not skinny or slim by any means, she is a very solid woman, and is very confident.  Today she told me I shouldn't be so negative about my body. She is always telling me shit like that.  But no matter what she says, I still failed. 

My mother is such a strange woman when it comes to what she says.  Or rather she doesn't think when she speaks. We went to the nursing home that my great aunt lives in and visited with her.  My mother likes taking photos so before we left she wanted to take pictures.  Long story short, we look multiple pictures because she thought my arm looked too fat. I am given mixed messages from her all the time.  I remember the negative ones mostly.

Just a small anecdote to illustrate how I grew up.

Now I just have to start again...

Justin Nozuka Came to Town

I took a trip into San Francisco to see Justin Nozuka in concert at the Great American Music Hall. He is so beautiful and thin.  I was standing in the front row, just looking up, gazing at him.  His voice is ten times greater in person than on a CD.  His lyrics hit the soul and capture the heart.  It was a nice break away from my own inner issues.  All I could do was listen to his voice and feel his overflowing emotions.

Feeling it all hang out

My weight is constantly on my mind.  The temptation to eat during the day and more so when I am at home is too much for me to handle.  Afterward I feel disgusting, so I purge but not all of it comes out, or rather, my feelings about my body are still there.  Today I lost it and purged twice, with a feeling of disgust now.  I am constantly aware of my belly which seems to be hanging out of my body for the whole world to see.  I am sick of this so now, when I eat anything I am going to look and count everything.  I did this once before and it worked, so I will try even harder now to make sure that I am able to lose this thing that is hanging out of me.

The things that I could not go without:
Caffeine - I prefer coffee in the morning and that will become more vital when winter comes. But tea is also good too. Green tea is my favorite but a friend of mine just bought me some Moroccan mint tea from San Francisco Chinatown.
Fruit - A single serving of fruit, any kind of fruit will do. A fruit gives me something to chew on and digest. I love apples, Fuji apples! Crunch Crunch.
Water - Even though it doesn't keep me awake, I like water. The electrolyte enriched water is the one that I prefer but it can get pricey sometimes.

The ground rules:
My limit per-day will begin at 500 calories. If I can go for a couple of weeks without exceeding the limit then I will decrease it slowly.
No eating without counting and recording calories.
Think before consuming.  Have a some water before engaging in any food intake and never drink anything afterward for AT LEAST 30 minutes. Try to stand up for that amount of time.
Exercise daily. Doesn't matter what, as long as it gets your heart rate up, muscles pumped, or sweating. KEEP ON MOVING.

The goal is to lose weight without purging, binge eating, or taking laxatives.