drained

I'm so tired today. It is about 8:30pm and I want to sleep so bad! I took a laxative today because my calorie intake was more than...blah blah blah  I also changed the title of this blog because I fuckin' wanted to :]  I am just so fuckin' pissed off at my weight right now. 138lb and before it was 135lb.  I fuckin' eat too much.

I get cravings while I am at school, its like a mind game. "I'm so hungry....I'm so hungry! Eat something! Eat something!" I drive myself nuts! I think the worse part is that I get so damn tired when I don't eat and I can't exercise as much cause I cramp up like crazy. But that is me being an idiot and not drinking enough water and electrolyte enriched liquids. The rest of the week I swear, not fucking eating a single thing. I'm going to run like crazy tomorrow too since I haven't done that this week so far.  It sucks that if you don't exercise everyday or every other day you blow up into a monstrous pig. Well I do anyway...if you don't than damn you! Just kidding.

I finally watched some of Lady Gaga's music videos and I must say I really liked her Bad Romance video, not cause of the song but cause she looked so skinny and actually pretty. 

Oh, and I told my mother I was bulimic. It was strange because she was more interested in how I throw up... It was also like I intrigued her with my psycho obsession with food and calories.  I guess in some twisted way I am happy that she didn't freak out like say I was killing myself or anything but at the same time it just shows me how nonchalant she is about certain things, weight/diet being one of them.... I think its because I come from an Asian family and to be quite honest, dieting is thought of as a good thing, or rather, a women trying to slim down is smiled upon verses a woman who is proud of being fat.  In Japan the BMI for "normal" is between 18-22.9 which is less than the one in America. Which is not surprising.

Conclusion: I feel so shitty and fat right now my goal is to be 90lb by this time next year!