Saturday, October 30, 2010

Halloween party

I went to a Halloween party on Friday cause my friend from class invited me. It was really great cause there was dancing...I'm a dancing girl and that is pretty much it. But my self confidence is way up cause this super cute boy grabbed me to dance twice. For it was an...aaahhh moment. I don't think that has ever happened to me, but yesterday it did! I only regret not being more aggressive and taking a photo with him, asking for his number...etc Next time next time...I hope there will be a next time though! I'm such a dork..its upsetting.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

FML, seriously, FML

If there was ever a day where things weren't quite right it would be today.  The first SF Giants game I watched this week and they LOST to the Phillies.  The mall that I was going to go to this weekend burns down because some idiot hates the world, and the bloating in my belly is proof of a foreshadowing period. Today my cousin asked me about my knuckles (which are worn from keeping me up over the toilet while I puke my guts out) and I lied, telling her it was because I play bloody knuckles with my guy friends at school. Which is complete bullshit.

I have been working my butt off in chemistry class and Japanese this week.  I had my mid-term for Japanese which was two twos long, and was made up of reading, writing, listening, and speaking sections. The speaking was a skit that we had to preform. The professor gave us a week in advance to do everything too. It was crazy. I am anti-Japanese Language class now.  Just the class, not the actual language (I'm Japanese-American.) I really want to become fluent but the course itself is not enjoyable for me. I enjoy Chemistry way more than Japanese! ugh...

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


I'm so tired today. It is about 8:30pm and I want to sleep so bad! I took a laxative today because my calorie intake was more than...blah blah blah  I also changed the title of this blog because I fuckin' wanted to :]  I am just so fuckin' pissed off at my weight right now. 138lb and before it was 135lb.  I fuckin' eat too much.

I get cravings while I am at school, its like a mind game. "I'm so hungry....I'm so hungry! Eat something! Eat something!" I drive myself nuts! I think the worse part is that I get so damn tired when I don't eat and I can't exercise as much cause I cramp up like crazy. But that is me being an idiot and not drinking enough water and electrolyte enriched liquids. The rest of the week I swear, not fucking eating a single thing. I'm going to run like crazy tomorrow too since I haven't done that this week so far.  It sucks that if you don't exercise everyday or every other day you blow up into a monstrous pig. Well I do anyway...if you don't than damn you! Just kidding.

I finally watched some of Lady Gaga's music videos and I must say I really liked her Bad Romance video, not cause of the song but cause she looked so skinny and actually pretty. 

Oh, and I told my mother I was bulimic. It was strange because she was more interested in how I throw up... It was also like I intrigued her with my psycho obsession with food and calories.  I guess in some twisted way I am happy that she didn't freak out like say I was killing myself or anything but at the same time it just shows me how nonchalant she is about certain things, weight/diet being one of them.... I think its because I come from an Asian family and to be quite honest, dieting is thought of as a good thing, or rather, a women trying to slim down is smiled upon verses a woman who is proud of being fat.  In Japan the BMI for "normal" is between 18-22.9 which is less than the one in America. Which is not surprising.

Conclusion: I feel so shitty and fat right now my goal is to be 90lb by this time next year!

Friday, October 8, 2010

I think I need a new scale

I currently have a scale from..ikea.  I love Ikea but their scales suck. It was working great but than the cleaning lady came anf did something to fuck it up cause it said I was 150lb...I haven't been 150lb in over a year. I double checked my weight on my aunt's scale and it said I was 135lb so, conclusion, I need a new scale.

This week was shit or i felt like shit and purged nearly everyday.  I tried not to eat but that never works for me. I have to have protein, fiber or something.  I try not to go over 500 calories but when I do, I just binge and purge. I can't just eat something and stop because I always think, "since I already ate that shit I might as well eat as much as possible than purge it out because life sucks and at the moment eating food feels better than sex..."  Seriously, I feel a super high when I eat. Its just the feeling after, when I feel full I feel disgusting. And the feeling after I purge everything out is so amazing. I must sound so fucked up right now but this is the only way I know how to feel happy most of the time.

I need to fast, drinks only (plus some peaches). I ate today and purged like crazy but couldn't get it all out so I took a laxative. I know I shouldn't have but today was just one of those days where trying to push it out of your stomach takes too much time, energy, and emotional strength to do.  I feel full right now cause I ate two peaches. FML

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Tight bikini bodies, all girls could have one if they so desired

I stared at these pictures for a while because I needed some motivation to get up and do so exercise.