I disgust myself...binged

4 oranges
4 tangerines
7 pork baos
2 pieces of pizza
3 lemon tarts
13 individual packs of parmesan cheese goldfish
1chocolate caramel mini bar


yeah..fuck me and fuck my life

fuck...

9:30pm...fuck I just ate soup -___-

youth is dead

Everything must come to an end.  As if it happened in a second, I felt no youth in me. I was never carefree...nor was I easygoing.  It is almost unexplainable. As if the world laughed in my face, I lost my youth.  Nothing is ever easy but I'm choking on my own disgust for my body.  Trying to break away from excess that is constantly attached around my waist.  It is cold, I am drained, my youth is dead...

New year, new hopes, new motivations

It was an emotional week...one dominated by the return to class after a month long break, waking up at 4a.m. to go to the gym, work, and being broke.
The highlight of my lame life over the winter break was going to a 30 Seconds to Mars concert (if you have never heard of them before, you should check them out) and the concert was mind blowing...I love Jared. I got to touch him because I was really close to the stage and he always walks on to the rail during the show to get closer to the fans.

Jared Leto (lead singer of 30 Seconds to Mars)

But anyway, I also tried to stop my purging. Which worked for a week or so but I have started up again...nothing extreme like multiple times a day but usually in the evening when I get home from work or school.  Today, and right at this very moment, I am trying not to think about the Redvines that are down stairs which I really would like to eat.  I go to the gym as much as possible but it is really hard now because of my school and work. I am trying to get as much hours in as possible because I am going to Japan in April and everything there is so expensive.  I also would like to trim down before then too. I am starting to feel the stress pile on day by day. I also got a second job as a math tutor at my school on weekends. I haven't started yet but I hope that doesn't get too crazy.

Blue is the mind and terrible is the weather :/

I'm in LA today and it is pouring, pretty much ruined my plans. I wanted to walk around the UCLA campus but that isn't going to work out with the thunder storms rolling in and lighting.  Top it all off, I am feeling "thicker" even though I have been working out and trying to put constraints on what I eat.  Binging can really fuck up a person.  Not eating fucks you up...period.  I'm make myself slowly go insane. If I don't lose the weight that I want to lose, I will go crazy.

I unfortunately have a slip-up and binged/purged again. Ever get a feeling after you purge like there is gas in your stomach?  I also know that I did not get all the shit out of my body.  The laxative tea doesn't seem to be working anymore too.  I have become even more aware of my body and hate every single part that is in excess.

I'm a liar...sorry

Sipping a steaming hot cup of vanilla chai and laxative teas, while staring at a small pile of orange peels and my stomach rumbling because I purged.  My throat is dry..sore...and I can't seem to understand why I can't stop myself.  The uncontrollable urge..burying me.  I feel as if I am about to go insane. Finals are coming up too and if I don't do well in them, well lets just hope that doesn't happen. I feel the need to eat in the evening. The worst possible time to eat anything at all. All I want to do now is cause pain...

I think she is the most beautiful person I have seen. I want to look exactly like her.

感謝祭....Thanksgiving

I feel that even though I ate than purged, not all of it comes out and I still gain weight.  I am five pounds heavier, but that is mostly because I have no been exercising and it has been really hard to purge.  I normally take a three day break if it is taking too much energy to purge.  So no purging for the next couple of days. But I really need to exercise so I have get that gym membership.  It got really cold recently so that is why I haven't been running like I normally do.  I could do a tons of crunches, lunges, and push-up but I don't like the feeling I get after (like I want to vomit but nothing comes out...)  I am so big right now. I think this week I am going to try and live off only coffee, unless I get that membership and make it to the gym everyday.  Finals are coming up too so I really need to study extra hard in my chemistry and economics classes.

Concentrate

It sucks you know...not being able to control yourself. Thinking about food when what you really want to be thinking about is more important things, like school work.  But this thing won't let you, you're body forcing you to drift back to food so you become like me. Sitting in the library with my school laid out across the table and the only thing I can think about is food, or how my stomach is bulging or the almonds and cereal I ate this morning was about 200kcal total and that if I eat a pizza from the cafeteria it adds 250kcal etc....  What a sad person, pitiful.  To make it clear, I DON'T WANT THIS. The cycle of binge purge binge purge is not fun, its down right hell. If I could wake up tomorrow and eat without thinking about purging it out the very next second I would be so happy. But it doesn't work that way, as long as it took to get me to the place I am at now, it will take just as much to get out...I just hope I can.

I think I need a new scale

I currently have a scale from..ikea.  I love Ikea but their scales suck. It was working great but than the cleaning lady came anf did something to fuck it up cause it said I was 150lb...I haven't been 150lb in over a year. I double checked my weight on my aunt's scale and it said I was 135lb so, conclusion, I need a new scale.

This week was shit or i felt like shit and purged nearly everyday.  I tried not to eat but that never works for me. I have to have protein, fiber or something.  I try not to go over 500 calories but when I do, I just binge and purge. I can't just eat something and stop because I always think, "since I already ate that shit I might as well eat as much as possible than purge it out because life sucks and at the moment eating food feels better than sex..."  Seriously, I feel a super high when I eat. Its just the feeling after, when I feel full I feel disgusting. And the feeling after I purge everything out is so amazing. I must sound so fucked up right now but this is the only way I know how to feel happy most of the time.

I need to fast, drinks only (plus some peaches). I ate today and purged like crazy but couldn't get it all out so I took a laxative. I know I shouldn't have but today was just one of those days where trying to push it out of your stomach takes too much time, energy, and emotional strength to do.  I feel full right now cause I ate two peaches. FML

Today I was born 19 years ago

For the past two years, since I have been in California pretty much, my birthday has been...shit.  Although this year is a big upgrade from last year, it was still pretty sad.  Last year I spend my birthday with a cousin who made me cry so hard I couldn't breathe and this year I had to spend it with the same cousin. Oh joy, the universe has fucked me over again.  Well there was no crying this year, thank the cosmos, but instead my cousin started commenting on how I shouldn't over do it on the exercise and eat healthy.  Then she continued on about not becoming bulimic and blah, blah, blah. I am sure many people have been in my shoes. I can honestly say though that she did seem sincere and worried about me. At the same time though it is scary to think that she could know that I am bulimic. I have never told her but it is also possible that one of my other cousins could know and told her. Either way my family likes to know all about everyone. Anyway, we went to go see the movie "easy A" starring Emma Stone, which was actually pretty funny. But my cousin talked about how eating healthy, not over doing it on the exercise, and not purging.  It kind of reminded me of how people passively try to suggest you doing something because their worried or scared of telling you straight on.  I was kinda annoyed but I figured that she might just be saying it because there is no way that people would thin I have an eating disorder because I'm so fat and chubby.

Happy Birthday me....fuck it.