wtf...finals, gain(ing) lbs, going insane

I have been gone... So school is not the greatest, and this term was the hardest for me to handle.

yeah finals are here for me... I have gained so much weight! This summer I am going to the gym like there is no tomorrow.  My weight is really stressing me out. I'm starting a strict diet for myself. I am trying to not get into my bulimic nightmare like before. I really want to do this a semi healthy way because vomiting is not the business.
My Plan:
drinking only water
raw foods as much as possible
nothing processed
no latte (this is big for me because I love the skinny vanilla lattes at starbucks)
If I drink coffee or go to a coffee shop, MUST BE BLACK no adding anything
No alcohol
No eating after 5pm

New year, new hopes, new motivations

It was an emotional week...one dominated by the return to class after a month long break, waking up at 4a.m. to go to the gym, work, and being broke.
The highlight of my lame life over the winter break was going to a 30 Seconds to Mars concert (if you have never heard of them before, you should check them out) and the concert was mind blowing...I love Jared. I got to touch him because I was really close to the stage and he always walks on to the rail during the show to get closer to the fans.

Jared Leto (lead singer of 30 Seconds to Mars)

But anyway, I also tried to stop my purging. Which worked for a week or so but I have started up again...nothing extreme like multiple times a day but usually in the evening when I get home from work or school.  Today, and right at this very moment, I am trying not to think about the Redvines that are down stairs which I really would like to eat.  I go to the gym as much as possible but it is really hard now because of my school and work. I am trying to get as much hours in as possible because I am going to Japan in April and everything there is so expensive.  I also would like to trim down before then too. I am starting to feel the stress pile on day by day. I also got a second job as a math tutor at my school on weekends. I haven't started yet but I hope that doesn't get too crazy.

Just because...

I have been going to the gym everyday for the past week, trying to start eating normally and not binge/purge.  But yesterday I slipped up and purged. But today, so far has been good, no purging yet and the day is almost done.  I have been studying for my chemistry final that is on Monday.  I also have a Japanese skit (final part III) on Monday too so that is shit.  After my workout this evening I weighted myself on the scale there and it said 143....fml  I am hoping that since it was at night and not in the morning, my weight is slightly lower than that.  I think I am going to wake up early tomorrow morning and go to the gym again, just to check my weight and measure my height too.  

Lately, I have been listening to Jane's Addiction (only because I like the show Married to Rock) and Etty Farrell is amazing. She has had two kids and looks great. I want to look like her when I am in my 30s...I want to look like her now.

I think I need a new scale

I currently have a scale from..ikea.  I love Ikea but their scales suck. It was working great but than the cleaning lady came anf did something to fuck it up cause it said I was 150lb...I haven't been 150lb in over a year. I double checked my weight on my aunt's scale and it said I was 135lb so, conclusion, I need a new scale.

This week was shit or i felt like shit and purged nearly everyday.  I tried not to eat but that never works for me. I have to have protein, fiber or something.  I try not to go over 500 calories but when I do, I just binge and purge. I can't just eat something and stop because I always think, "since I already ate that shit I might as well eat as much as possible than purge it out because life sucks and at the moment eating food feels better than sex..."  Seriously, I feel a super high when I eat. Its just the feeling after, when I feel full I feel disgusting. And the feeling after I purge everything out is so amazing. I must sound so fucked up right now but this is the only way I know how to feel happy most of the time.

I need to fast, drinks only (plus some peaches). I ate today and purged like crazy but couldn't get it all out so I took a laxative. I know I shouldn't have but today was just one of those days where trying to push it out of your stomach takes too much time, energy, and emotional strength to do.  I feel full right now cause I ate two peaches. FML

Tight bikini bodies, all girls could have one if they so desired

I stared at these pictures for a while because I needed some motivation to get up and do so exercise.