youth is dead

Everything must come to an end.  As if it happened in a second, I felt no youth in me. I was never carefree...nor was I easygoing.  It is almost unexplainable. As if the world laughed in my face, I lost my youth.  Nothing is ever easy but I'm choking on my own disgust for my body.  Trying to break away from excess that is constantly attached around my waist.  It is cold, I am drained, my youth is dead...

I think I need a new scale

I currently have a scale from..ikea.  I love Ikea but their scales suck. It was working great but than the cleaning lady came anf did something to fuck it up cause it said I was 150lb...I haven't been 150lb in over a year. I double checked my weight on my aunt's scale and it said I was 135lb so, conclusion, I need a new scale.

This week was shit or i felt like shit and purged nearly everyday.  I tried not to eat but that never works for me. I have to have protein, fiber or something.  I try not to go over 500 calories but when I do, I just binge and purge. I can't just eat something and stop because I always think, "since I already ate that shit I might as well eat as much as possible than purge it out because life sucks and at the moment eating food feels better than sex..."  Seriously, I feel a super high when I eat. Its just the feeling after, when I feel full I feel disgusting. And the feeling after I purge everything out is so amazing. I must sound so fucked up right now but this is the only way I know how to feel happy most of the time.

I need to fast, drinks only (plus some peaches). I ate today and purged like crazy but couldn't get it all out so I took a laxative. I know I shouldn't have but today was just one of those days where trying to push it out of your stomach takes too much time, energy, and emotional strength to do.  I feel full right now cause I ate two peaches. FML

Mouth shut, eyes open

My mouth is what gets me into trouble.

I want to keep my eyes open. To stay alert, focused, and do my absolute best academically.

I realize just how alone I truly am.  What I feel about school, the city I live in, my extended family, expenses, everything must be censored.  I use to be able to talk with my mom and she would help me through anything and everything, but now I see that this is no longer a option.  Reality is that I can't tell her my true feels, concerns, and fears.  The truth...the only people I tell are my grandparents who died 8 years ago.  I speak to the dead because there is no one else to speak to.  Not speak, cry is more like it...I cry out to them or anyone hoping I feel better than before, hoping I don't feel empty. This hollow feeling makes me want to fill it it with something, anything...food.

I'm so stressed right now. I have so much to do but I feel so unmotivated to do anything.  As if there is any point to doing it in the first place.

Birthday fast

My birthday is on the 25th of this month...5 days away. 
This week's goal, Birthday fast.

This will be most difficult since my family is having a party on Tuesday, and they will have tons of food.  Oh please keep me strong!  If I can get through this week and make it to Saturday I will reward myself, birthday shopping.  This is what I am telling myself anyway.

I feel like I am suffering slowing inside though..my throat is sore, my stomach is bulging and my hair is falling out.  It sucks that I know what I am doing to my body is wrong and harmful but i can't stop myself from doing it anyway. I can control how I eat so I try to not eat at all, only to binge and purge later.  My core negative thoughts control my actions regarding my body.  Dear agony, please make me disappear.

Justin Nozuka Came to Town

I took a trip into San Francisco to see Justin Nozuka in concert at the Great American Music Hall. He is so beautiful and thin.  I was standing in the front row, just looking up, gazing at him.  His voice is ten times greater in person than on a CD.  His lyrics hit the soul and capture the heart.  It was a nice break away from my own inner issues.  All I could do was listen to his voice and feel his overflowing emotions.