Blue is the mind and terrible is the weather :/

I'm in LA today and it is pouring, pretty much ruined my plans. I wanted to walk around the UCLA campus but that isn't going to work out with the thunder storms rolling in and lighting.  Top it all off, I am feeling "thicker" even though I have been working out and trying to put constraints on what I eat.  Binging can really fuck up a person.  Not eating fucks you up...period.  I'm make myself slowly go insane. If I don't lose the weight that I want to lose, I will go crazy.

I unfortunately have a slip-up and binged/purged again. Ever get a feeling after you purge like there is gas in your stomach?  I also know that I did not get all the shit out of my body.  The laxative tea doesn't seem to be working anymore too.  I have become even more aware of my body and hate every single part that is in excess.

Just because...

I have been going to the gym everyday for the past week, trying to start eating normally and not binge/purge.  But yesterday I slipped up and purged. But today, so far has been good, no purging yet and the day is almost done.  I have been studying for my chemistry final that is on Monday.  I also have a Japanese skit (final part III) on Monday too so that is shit.  After my workout this evening I weighted myself on the scale there and it said 143....fml  I am hoping that since it was at night and not in the morning, my weight is slightly lower than that.  I think I am going to wake up early tomorrow morning and go to the gym again, just to check my weight and measure my height too.  

Lately, I have been listening to Jane's Addiction (only because I like the show Married to Rock) and Etty Farrell is amazing. She has had two kids and looks great. I want to look like her when I am in my 30s...I want to look like her now.

I'm a liar...sorry

Sipping a steaming hot cup of vanilla chai and laxative teas, while staring at a small pile of orange peels and my stomach rumbling because I purged.  My throat is dry..sore...and I can't seem to understand why I can't stop myself.  The uncontrollable urge..burying me.  I feel as if I am about to go insane. Finals are coming up too and if I don't do well in them, well lets just hope that doesn't happen. I feel the need to eat in the evening. The worst possible time to eat anything at all. All I want to do now is cause pain...

I think she is the most beautiful person I have seen. I want to look exactly like her.