Mouth shut, eyes open

My mouth is what gets me into trouble.

I want to keep my eyes open. To stay alert, focused, and do my absolute best academically.

I realize just how alone I truly am.  What I feel about school, the city I live in, my extended family, expenses, everything must be censored.  I use to be able to talk with my mom and she would help me through anything and everything, but now I see that this is no longer a option.  Reality is that I can't tell her my true feels, concerns, and fears.  The truth...the only people I tell are my grandparents who died 8 years ago.  I speak to the dead because there is no one else to speak to.  Not speak, cry is more like it...I cry out to them or anyone hoping I feel better than before, hoping I don't feel empty. This hollow feeling makes me want to fill it it with something, anything...food.

I'm so stressed right now. I have so much to do but I feel so unmotivated to do anything.  As if there is any point to doing it in the first place.

Today I was born 19 years ago

For the past two years, since I have been in California pretty much, my birthday has been...shit.  Although this year is a big upgrade from last year, it was still pretty sad.  Last year I spend my birthday with a cousin who made me cry so hard I couldn't breathe and this year I had to spend it with the same cousin. Oh joy, the universe has fucked me over again.  Well there was no crying this year, thank the cosmos, but instead my cousin started commenting on how I shouldn't over do it on the exercise and eat healthy.  Then she continued on about not becoming bulimic and blah, blah, blah. I am sure many people have been in my shoes. I can honestly say though that she did seem sincere and worried about me. At the same time though it is scary to think that she could know that I am bulimic. I have never told her but it is also possible that one of my other cousins could know and told her. Either way my family likes to know all about everyone. Anyway, we went to go see the movie "easy A" starring Emma Stone, which was actually pretty funny. But my cousin talked about how eating healthy, not over doing it on the exercise, and not purging.  It kind of reminded me of how people passively try to suggest you doing something because their worried or scared of telling you straight on.  I was kinda annoyed but I figured that she might just be saying it because there is no way that people would thin I have an eating disorder because I'm so fat and chubby.

Happy Birthday me....fuck it.

Birthday fast

My birthday is on the 25th of this month...5 days away. 
This week's goal, Birthday fast.

This will be most difficult since my family is having a party on Tuesday, and they will have tons of food.  Oh please keep me strong!  If I can get through this week and make it to Saturday I will reward myself, birthday shopping.  This is what I am telling myself anyway.

I feel like I am suffering slowing inside though..my throat is sore, my stomach is bulging and my hair is falling out.  It sucks that I know what I am doing to my body is wrong and harmful but i can't stop myself from doing it anyway. I can control how I eat so I try to not eat at all, only to binge and purge later.  My core negative thoughts control my actions regarding my body.  Dear agony, please make me disappear.