Mouth shut, eyes open

My mouth is what gets me into trouble.

I want to keep my eyes open. To stay alert, focused, and do my absolute best academically.

I realize just how alone I truly am.  What I feel about school, the city I live in, my extended family, expenses, everything must be censored.  I use to be able to talk with my mom and she would help me through anything and everything, but now I see that this is no longer a option.  Reality is that I can't tell her my true feels, concerns, and fears.  The truth...the only people I tell are my grandparents who died 8 years ago.  I speak to the dead because there is no one else to speak to.  Not speak, cry is more like it...I cry out to them or anyone hoping I feel better than before, hoping I don't feel empty. This hollow feeling makes me want to fill it it with something, anything...food.

I'm so stressed right now. I have so much to do but I feel so unmotivated to do anything.  As if there is any point to doing it in the first place.

Today I was born 19 years ago

For the past two years, since I have been in California pretty much, my birthday has been...shit.  Although this year is a big upgrade from last year, it was still pretty sad.  Last year I spend my birthday with a cousin who made me cry so hard I couldn't breathe and this year I had to spend it with the same cousin. Oh joy, the universe has fucked me over again.  Well there was no crying this year, thank the cosmos, but instead my cousin started commenting on how I shouldn't over do it on the exercise and eat healthy.  Then she continued on about not becoming bulimic and blah, blah, blah. I am sure many people have been in my shoes. I can honestly say though that she did seem sincere and worried about me. At the same time though it is scary to think that she could know that I am bulimic. I have never told her but it is also possible that one of my other cousins could know and told her. Either way my family likes to know all about everyone. Anyway, we went to go see the movie "easy A" starring Emma Stone, which was actually pretty funny. But my cousin talked about how eating healthy, not over doing it on the exercise, and not purging.  It kind of reminded me of how people passively try to suggest you doing something because their worried or scared of telling you straight on.  I was kinda annoyed but I figured that she might just be saying it because there is no way that people would thin I have an eating disorder because I'm so fat and chubby.

Happy Birthday me....fuck it.

Birthday fast

My birthday is on the 25th of this month...5 days away. 
This week's goal, Birthday fast.

This will be most difficult since my family is having a party on Tuesday, and they will have tons of food.  Oh please keep me strong!  If I can get through this week and make it to Saturday I will reward myself, birthday shopping.  This is what I am telling myself anyway.

I feel like I am suffering slowing inside though..my throat is sore, my stomach is bulging and my hair is falling out.  It sucks that I know what I am doing to my body is wrong and harmful but i can't stop myself from doing it anyway. I can control how I eat so I try to not eat at all, only to binge and purge later.  My core negative thoughts control my actions regarding my body.  Dear agony, please make me disappear.

EPIC FAILURE!

Ate more than what was planned, and took a laxative. EPIC FAILURE! I also purged...great, this dumb fuck has absolutely no control over anything.  I suppose though that since my mother visited me this past weekend that that had impacted my choices.  When went out to eat a lot and I can't just not eat anything when I am with her.  She is sharp and would notice when I'm not eating.  But I also have reason to believe that she feels bad for me and wants me to feel better about myself.  Today she has her high school reunion and we went to Nordstroms so that she could get her make-up done at Chanel.  She bought me this really beautiful pink-ish lip stick when she was there. I also got a free sample of Chanel Chance perfume.  My mother is not skinny or slim by any means, she is a very solid woman, and is very confident.  Today she told me I shouldn't be so negative about my body. She is always telling me shit like that.  But no matter what she says, I still failed. 

My mother is such a strange woman when it comes to what she says.  Or rather she doesn't think when she speaks. We went to the nursing home that my great aunt lives in and visited with her.  My mother likes taking photos so before we left she wanted to take pictures.  Long story short, we look multiple pictures because she thought my arm looked too fat. I am given mixed messages from her all the time.  I remember the negative ones mostly.

Just a small anecdote to illustrate how I grew up.

Now I just have to start again...

Justin Nozuka Came to Town

I took a trip into San Francisco to see Justin Nozuka in concert at the Great American Music Hall. He is so beautiful and thin.  I was standing in the front row, just looking up, gazing at him.  His voice is ten times greater in person than on a CD.  His lyrics hit the soul and capture the heart.  It was a nice break away from my own inner issues.  All I could do was listen to his voice and feel his overflowing emotions.

Feeling it all hang out

My weight is constantly on my mind.  The temptation to eat during the day and more so when I am at home is too much for me to handle.  Afterward I feel disgusting, so I purge but not all of it comes out, or rather, my feelings about my body are still there.  Today I lost it and purged twice, with a feeling of disgust now.  I am constantly aware of my belly which seems to be hanging out of my body for the whole world to see.  I am sick of this so now, when I eat anything I am going to look and count everything.  I did this once before and it worked, so I will try even harder now to make sure that I am able to lose this thing that is hanging out of me.

The things that I could not go without:
Caffeine - I prefer coffee in the morning and that will become more vital when winter comes. But tea is also good too. Green tea is my favorite but a friend of mine just bought me some Moroccan mint tea from San Francisco Chinatown.
Fruit - A single serving of fruit, any kind of fruit will do. A fruit gives me something to chew on and digest. I love apples, Fuji apples! Crunch Crunch.
Water - Even though it doesn't keep me awake, I like water. The electrolyte enriched water is the one that I prefer but it can get pricey sometimes.

The ground rules:
My limit per-day will begin at 500 calories. If I can go for a couple of weeks without exceeding the limit then I will decrease it slowly.
No eating without counting and recording calories.
Think before consuming.  Have a some water before engaging in any food intake and never drink anything afterward for AT LEAST 30 minutes. Try to stand up for that amount of time.
Exercise daily. Doesn't matter what, as long as it gets your heart rate up, muscles pumped, or sweating. KEEP ON MOVING.

The goal is to lose weight without purging, binge eating, or taking laxatives.